in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize