Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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