i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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