hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
