My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
