I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And then my night got REAL pukey
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
