People in love make me want to vomit
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
