im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
