Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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