I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize