What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize