I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize