Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
