It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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