I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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