i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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