Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
