just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
