New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
