apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
