How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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