i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
