wrigley field is MILF paradise
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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