My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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