So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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