You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
