Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize