So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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