I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
