umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
