You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
