I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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