don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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