he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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