He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
