a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
