Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
