I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
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