ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
