My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
