There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
