two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
