i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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