I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
