If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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