I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
