I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
