He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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