For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
