I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
