I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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