Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
