I think I won the penis lottery.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
