yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
