Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
