I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
