I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
