Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
