i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
