My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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