I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
