The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
