Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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