connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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