Too much gin, very little bucket
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
